Calm as the Ocean, Calm as the Ocean

When K was an infant I heard a child psychologist speak and she said that regardless of what behavior your child was exhibiting your job as a parent was to act like an emergency room nurse. Deal with the problem without letting emotion, fear, etc enter into it.

Man is that hard. When my kids are tantruming it is difficult not to get caught up in the drama and emotion. I cringe when I hear myself yelling.

I thought this was a great article on Businessweek.com that talks about how to be a better boss at home and on the job. Now I am not anyone's boss at work. And despite the occasional protests, I AM the boss of my children. I thought this article was a good reminder of this technique.

Evil Mommy

So I did it. Last week I sent all three kids to bed without supper. The reactions I have gotten have been interesting.

First, the story. It was last week and the kids had been up late the night before (back to school night). We got home from work/school and the kids were being really rambunctious. I was working with the girls on one drawing project, but they were all just sort of knocking off the walls. I went to start dinner, and realized I was still in my work clothes. I told the kids I would be right back (DH was upstairs on a phone call) and went up to change clothes. I was gone MAYBE 5 minutes. On the way back down I hear wailing and crying and screaming - from all 3. I get down and see all 3 kids crying or screaming, a shattered chair on the ground, and a bloody scratch on K's leg. I make sure K is ok, and then lose it. I scream " I don't know what the hell (yes, I said hell, bad mommy again) has been going on here, but you 3 can all march your butts upstairs and get ready for baths. You are going to bed without dinner!" All three kids are now wailing even louder but make their way upstairs. We did baths, read books, and put them to bed around 7:20 (normal bedtime 8-8:30). Once they were in the bath, none of them said another word about missing dinner. I went back up at 7:45 to ask K a question, and they were all crashed out. Hasn't been mentioned since.

When I have told other moms that I did this, the reaction has been interesting. Several have said, they couldn't do it - would feel too guilty. I have to say I didn't feel guilty at all once I did it. I felt a slight pang when it came out of my mouth, but they were all complaining about dinner (hamburgers and fries- what is wrong with these children??!!) and I know they all had a snack around 4pm. Others have said they really wanted to do it, but had thought it would make them a bad mom. Several have said they may try it now that I have done it.

I didn't want to be a trend setter in this area, and have no intention of making it a regular thing. But it was very effective at the time. (as it turns out we believe they were climbing onto the back of the sofa, jumping on the wooden chair and then onto the floor - eventually breaking the wooden chair). And I don't regret it at all. DH was also brilliant in deciding we wouldn't eat the hamburgers and fries after they went to bed - we ordered Outback, and we had the hamburgers and fries the next night (lest they believe this was an effective way of getting out of a dinner they didn't want). My children don't seem scarred in the least. And like I say, I don't plan to use this as a regular tool. But once or twice a year, when warranted, might not be a bad thing.

My little princess or a truck driver?

So my 3.5 year-old GIRL burps like a 8 year-old boy. Seriously. She burbs often and very loudly. She (almost) always says, "Excuse me", but also find it hysterically funny. We try to not react when she does it, except to remind her to say excuse me if she forgets. But she always has something to say about it. "Momma, did you hear me burp?" or "Wow..that was as loud as daddy". I have been trying to figure out what to do about it.

I finally said to her, "honey, girls don't really burp out loud like that - girls are more polite". I was torn when telling her this because I don't want her to think there are things boys can do (or get away with) that girls can't. On the other hand, I don't want her to keep burping like a drunken sailor.

Ideas?

The Magic Words

I love the kids phrase "you get what you get and you don't have a fit". It is like magic with my kids. If you are giving them their dinner and one of them whines "but I wanted the red plate"..you just say the magic words and they let it go. Same with "her milk is more full then mine" or "but I wanted to shut the tv off" or even "but it was my turn to do it". I don't know why that phrase solves everything, but somehow it does! My oldest, k, has even expanded it to "you eat what you get and you don't have a fit". Given the few number of foods she will eat - this will be interesting to try out.

Our daycare has a phrase "I don't like it, don't do it again" to use when one kid is hitting another or stealing their toy or whatever. When K was 1 1/2 she went through a phase and I couldn't get her to stop hitting me. The teachers at school said she never did it to them. Then I heard them use that phrase with another kid. I tried it the next time K hit me, and that was the end of that.

Do you have any magic words that work for your kids?

Mean What You Say

So I have a friend whose kids are older - one is a preteen and one is a certified teenager. Whenever I have a weak parenting moment I remember a story she told me. About a year ago her 14-year old was copping quite the attitude (let me premise this by saying she is a charming, well-behaved girl!). Anyway, my friend and her husband had really had it. The husband said to his daughter - you will act respectfully or you will lose your right to privacy in this house. The girl, being a teenager, ignore him and continues with the attitude. The dad says - seriously, if you keep this up, I will take the door off your room. The girl doesn't change. Dad gets up, walks upstairs, takes the door off the hinges and gets rid of the door. The girl freaks out - I can't have no privacy! and gets a sheet to pin up. Mom steps in and says -- nope, dad said no privacy. Girl demands privacy - how will she get dressed? Mom points to the perfectly good bathroom next door with a door. The parents stuck with it for nearly a year.

I LOVE that story. Taking off the door -- how cool is that?! You KNOW their daughter thought that was NEVER going to happen. DH and I have always believed that when you make a threat or say you are going to do something while disciplining your kids (or whenever, really) you have to stick with it. Sometimes it is hard, when you say something crazy or that will be a major inconvenience - but you gotta stick with it. Whenever I get weak, I remember this story. You can always remove the door.

You Want the Good News or the Bad News?

So..the Good News is that K is really LOVING kindergarten - even before and aftercare now. In fact, this weekend she made a point of telling me that she did not want to go back to her old school. I asked her why and she said because she liked her new school so much better. I was so happy that she was happy.

Complete diversion - I was also grateful, because we are in a fight with our daycare/preschool about drop-in rates. Our school allows drop-ins for kids up to age 6, meaning that when K's elementary school was closed, she could go to school with her siblings, for a reasonable price. Well, they just nearly doubled the price, and we think its crazy. When we asked where they got that number (it was $75/day) they appeared to have few data points. When we asked why they would price themselves out of the market (for comparison, our school does day camp when it is closed for $46/day) - they said that they think it is reasonable. I pointed out that drop-ins were just free money - they don't allow drop-ins if it puts them out of ratio - , and they were like, well we only made $1000 last year on drop-ins anyway. That made me so mad. Do they know how much time I spent baking cookies for countless days of bake sales that make about $500 a shot. But $1000 is all of a sudden nothing. I was so pissed. So its good she doesn't want to go back, I'll take vacation days before sending her. Although it makes me sad, cuz I know her old friends - and her teachers who have told me they can't wait to see her - want to see her.

Anywho -- as I was saying. The good news is K loves school. The bad news is, apparently she has become a discipline problem. Yesterday DH got a call from her teacher saying the K was having trouble listening and following directions and would he talk to her (as the phone is handed to K, who of course, was sobbing). I was mortified. And, we had a regularly scheduled meeting with her teacher that evening. So, where I had been expecting a wondering meeting about how amazing my dd is, I am now dreading hearing about her behavior, and frankly am SHOCKED. She is actually a pretty good listener, and certainly doesn't pull this crap with us. So, we go to the meeting, and it was actually pretty positive. It seems only in the last few days has K acted like this. So I'm thinking that maybe in her new comfort zone she is just testing the limits. Not that it justifies her behavior, but maybe she was just trying it out??!! I don't really know. We have talked to her and came up with a solution where her teacher will make a chart and it will come home each day so we can monitor if she is behaving. The teacher thinks it will be resolved in 1-2 weeks. I sure hope so, or K will be mighty sorry.

Not to end on a sour note, it also turns out K is really good at math. On Sunday when we were coming home from the Nats game, she said she wanted to play the "adding game". I asked her how, and she said to give her numbers and she would add them in her head. So I started with small numbers like 2 + 3 and 4+1 and she was like, c'mon mom. So I started with 9 + 6 and 8+7, and she's getting them all. Then I try 12 + 7 - no problem. Then DH starts with 4+6+3 and 7+5+4. And she's doing great. I'm surprised, and so glad they have started adding already in Kindergarten. So last night I ask her teacher about it, and she says, "NO!" - they haven't been doing that - but she has noticed it too. K has counted backwards and once asked if they could just count by "3s". Weird. Maybe they did it in preschool??!! Not sure. But I can guarantee that along with their looks this did NOT come from me!